the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
