Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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