the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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