Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
