I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
