Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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