there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
