oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
