somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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