You smell like stripper and shame
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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