Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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