My liver just broke up with me...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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