If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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