I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
