Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
