God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
