So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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