When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
ttyl tear gas
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
