did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
