I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's rum buckets o'clock
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
