why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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