I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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