I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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