whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
