did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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