that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You can't just leave with hair like that
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
