He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
