I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
