I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
