Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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