My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
