Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
