I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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