We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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