you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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