Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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