I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
