I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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