we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
do herpes really smell.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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