Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
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