So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
