you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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