I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
