my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
