Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
