I just threw up on my dentist
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
