Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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