We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
