you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
