you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
