So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize