Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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