I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
