OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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