So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
