Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
