i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
