Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
