He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
