I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
