Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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