If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
