Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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